The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We know storytelling is a great leadership skill for engaging and influencing others.  However, there is also a growing body of research on how to harness the power of our inner narratives:  

Use a Redemptive Rear View Mirror 

The stories we recount about our past have a powerful impact on our memories and behaviors. Psychologist Jonathan Adler's research highlights three habits that build resiliency and emotional strength as you reminisce:

• Recalling both the positive and negative aspects of past situations.
• Seeing negative events from your past as external events ("That speech didn't go over well," rather than "I'm not a good presenter.")
• Identifying how you have grown stronger and more effective as a result of your experiences.

Regulate with Reframing     

When you get emotionally triggered by a challenging situation, find a plausible but more positive way to view what's happening.  The research on this practice ("reframing") has confirmed significant benefits.  Psychologists Gross and John grouped hundreds of people based on whether they tended to use reframing or suppression (pretending everything's fine) to deal with strong emotions.  They compared the two groups on factors including optimism, environmental mastery and positive relationships.  On every factor, those who reframed were significantly better off than those who suppressed. 

Forecast Your Successes

Envision how you will be successful over the next few years. The more you revisit this story of what your future will look, sound, feel, smell and even taste like, the clearer it becomes.  Replaying this movie in your mind helps you recognize and act on choices that support it.

"Mental imagery impacts many cognitive processes in the brain: motor control, attention, perception, planning, and memory," says researcher Angie LeVan. "It's been found that mental practices can enhance motivation, increase confidence and self-efficacy, improve motor performance, prime your brain for success, and increase states of flow."

This awareness of what you're telling yourself, and how balanced but empowering your narratives are, is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the better your story can become.

Running with Scissors

My friend MJ occasionally asks, "Are we running with scissors or an Olympic torch?"

It makes me smile and then makes me think.

We're a few weeks into our new year.  Far enough along to relate this distinction to how we're using our time.
 
"Running with scissors" means using your time recklessly:  filling your days with meetings, conversations and work that keep you busy but blunts your impact.

This habit can hurt you.

Time is currency. Use it strategically and you create the kind of impact you want, squander it away and you don't.

Where can you find opportunities to pare away meetings and activities with a questionable or lower return on your time?

"Running with an Olympic torch" means consciously investing your time in activities that uphold the kind of value you want to provide.

You can do more of this by regularly returning to questions like:
Who do I want to matter to most?
What am I doing now that they value most?
What do I need to be doing now so I'll matter in the ways I want to going forward?

The more time you invest in activities that support your answers to these questions, the brighter your path becomes.

Straight Talk from Singular Stars

Working as a coach at a conference on "Mentors, Sponsors and Breaking the Glass Ceiling Through Our Allies," I met a lively group of smart trailblazers.  

  

Reginald Van Lee, EVP at Booz Allen Hamilton, was a memorable one.  Warm and witty in person, he accomplished what many struggle with once they reach the podium:  making his points in a concise, consumable way. 

  

He recommended that ground breaking leaders of all types cultivate their 

"4 Cs":

COURAGE:  to excel, to be different.

  

COMPETENCE:  you need to be exceptionally competent when you're trying to accomplish what few that look, act or think like you do.  Accept this and press on.

  

CONFIDENCE:  to attend excellent schools, vie for new roles, pursue powerful relationships.  Don't wait for permission - show up and lead.

  

COLLABORATION:  you can't do it alone - consciously create alliances.  Talk to someone new often.  Your network expands your value.

  

Paula Madison, CEO of the Los Angeles Sparks, was equally forthright and compelling.  Some of her comments echoed similar themes:

• Be bold.  "Courage and comfort are not in the same room." 
• Be an expert, and claim your accomplishments. "I'm proud to be a different kind of leader, a different kind of woman."
• Advocate for yourself.  No one will care more about your career than you do - you can't expect others to do more for you than you do for yourself. 
• Attend carefully to feedback.  Feedback tells you how you're showing up.

The audience was energized by these kinds of unvarnished, hard-earned perspectives. If you were to give your own "straight talk" on pointers for pioneering leaders, what would you include?

How to Resist Distractions and Temptation

Your phone buzzes as you pull onto the highway.  Are you more likely to think,

"I can't read texts while I'm driving." 

 or 

"I don't read texts while I'm driving."

Several interesting studies coming out of Boston College and the University of Houston revealed the impact of using "I can't" versus "I don't."  

In one study of 30 adults with health and fitness goals:

• 10 participants were not given a strategy.
• 10 were told to use "I can't" statements when they were tempted to slip (for example, "I can't skip work-outs.")
• 10 were told to use "I don't" statements when they were tempted to slip (for example, "I don't skip work-outs.") 

After 10 days

• In the group that wasn't given a strategy, three of the 10 were still working on their goals.
• In the "I can't" group, only one of the 10 was still working on her goal.
• In the "I don't" group, eight of the 10 participants were still working on their goals.

The study participants then received daily emails asking how well they were doing with their goals. 

Heidi Grant Halvorson, Director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University explains:  

"I don't" is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering. It's an affirmation of your determination and willpower. "I can't" isn't a choice. It's a restriction, it's being imposed upon you. So thinking "I can't" undermines your sense of power and personal agency."

Want to resist distractions and temptation?  Working on an important goal?  Whenever you catch yourself veering off course, try reminding yourself that "I don't...."  It's a small strategy that can make a big difference.

Here's to You!

I get a kick out of being around people who are smart in different ways than I am - who have different kinds of interests and ambitions and impacts.  

It's invigorating to be around this capacity and learn from these mindsets and skills.

Which means that I'm very lucky - because as an executive coach I work daily with accomplished learners and leaders who like to work as hard as I do.  

They keep me constantly aware of how much more is possible.
  
Many times my work feels like a celebration:  of what my clients have learned and achieved and given to others - and how much more they will going forward.  

So this Quick Note will be my toast to them and to you:

Here's to the game changers

• the ones who persist in finding a better way
• and engaging others in making it happen.

Here's to the connectors

• who build networks that go up, down, sideways, and diagonally;
• who network to learn new perspectives and make new connections
• and who make sure that they give more than take along the way.

Here's to the long gamers

• who've learned that you can often get what you want - but maybe not quite in the way you thought you would;
• who know that if it's a worthwhile goal you persevere until you make it happen.
• Because living other people's goals doesn't work, but joining forces to meet a common goal does.

Here's to the listeners

• who understand how much more there is to really hear,
• who know how to draw out what others have to offer,
• and who make make time to listen for their own wisdom.

Here's to those that surprise themselves

• with what they realize they've accomplished;
• and then get curious, and then determined
• and ready to find out what they'll learn as they take on their next challenge.

Here's to you!

Negotiation: Turning Bad News Into Good

Picture this: "Time for my favorite thing in the world - negotiation!" crows Jack Donaghy.  30 Rock's Liz Lemon cringes.  And then a testosterone-infused skirmish produces an absurd outcome - as two combatants' need to win once again hijacks their common sense.

MJ Tocci, co-founder and executive director of the newly launched Heinz Negotiation Academy for Women, points out why this scene is both funny and familiar:  

"So many of us see negotiation as a competitive, conflict driven contest ... and the fear of losing can make negotiation daunting.  That brings bad news and good news.

The bad news is that negotiation is an essential skill for resolving conflict, building your brand, doing good work, managing deadlines, and  getting paid what you are worth.  

The good news is that there are many ways to get there.  I often ask my negotiation students to substitute the phrase 'creative problem solving' for 'negotiation' when they get stuck in their positions.  

Often what was competitive becomes more collaborative as you explore different options. Shouting or posturing is replaced by questioning and listening, assumptions are recognized and updated, and outcomes become more satisfying for all involved.  

Does this work all the time?  No, but it works more than you might think."  

The next time you are ready to ask for something you need or deserve, MJ recommends that you consider creative and strategic prompts like:

1. What's the outcome I want most?
2. Where am I if I don't ask for it ... and where am I if I do?
3. What are several different ways I could get what I want? 
4. What facts would make it clear that there is an advantage to both sides when we agree to pursue the outcome I am seeking?
5. What is the best timing for my request? 
6. Who can help me influence decision makers? 
7. What's my response to "no"?  

Your response to #7 is important - because in the world of negotiations, "no' is merely a position from which to negotiate again. 

Stressed? Mind the Gap

Stress is a constant friction that either hones our effectiveness or grinds us  down.  We work hard to deliver on ever-rising expectations in an ever-changing world.  It's not just work pressures - our own expectations keep rising.  The more we  achieve, the more we and others often expect. So we have our conscious and unconscious expectations - and then what  actually happens. As Peter Bregman pointed out, the gap between what you expect and what  actually happens is the underlying cause of stress.      To use stress well, it's critical to "mind the gap." On the London Underground, this means being mindful of how you step forward  from your subway car onto the platform of your destination. In life, this means being mindful of how you step forward from an unfulfilled  expectation into what actually happened.      You have two fundamental choices:  update your expectations or try to change  what's happening.  Trying to change the situation often creates more stress -  and you have more control over yourself than others - so it's productive to start  with updating your expectations.  Remember that other's behaviors and the changing landscape may have little to  do with you.  How you choose to respond to them has everything to do with you.   So travel well during your stressful days. Ask yourself -  "What am I assuming will happen today?"  -  and, "How well have I communicated this?"   When you're feeling stressed, ask -  "What was it that I expected that didn't pan out?"  -  and, "How important is this?"  -  and, "Where's the best opportunity now - in updating what I know and expect  or in changing the situation?" Then take a deep breath - and maybe another - and step confidently forward  into what actually happens next.

What's Your Big Assignment?

Khol Vinh, former design director at the New York Times, became "internet famous" for his use of grids.  He's now co-founder and CEO of Lascaux Co., makers of Mixel, the world's first social collage app.

In a recent interview he said,

"Becoming an entrepreneur is really about giving yourself a big assignment....If you pick an interesting enough problem and you develop an interesting enough solution you can continue to work on that and spend several years really getting it right."

As a leader, you have the same opportunity to give yourself a big assignment.

Something that will take everything you do best. 

Your big assignment is the impact you hold yourself accountable for having no matter where or with whom or how you work. 

It's interesting and meaningful enough to hold your attention and intention over time.

What others expect of you is important, but what you expect of yourself is more important.  The 'big assignment' you give yourself is how you've decided to measure your success.

As Kohl Vinh pointed out, the point isn't perfection. It's the pursuit.

Our natural talents and developed strengths uniquely qualify us to pursue this big assignment, giving us each the ability to make a difference that matters. 

What is yours?

"Change or Die"

Your doctor says, "Change your behavior, or you'll die sooner." 

What do you do?

If you're like 90% of patients with severe heart disease, you won't make the changes. 

Logic and facts aren't enough to inspire real change. Force and fear tactics aren't sufficient either.

If they were, 

• Surgeons' warnings would have eliminated smoking,
• The "three strikes rule" would stop repeat-offenders from committing crimes,
• And management and labor would readily collaborate to improve business outcomes.

Instead,

• The illnesses consuming most of our health care budgets are caused by poor smoking, drinking, eating, and exercise habits.  
• Our prisons are populated with career criminals.
• And employees and companies cling to unsuccessful business practices, even as revenues decline and plants close. 

Many of our long standing assumptions about how to create change are wrong. 

But some leaders are discovering what will work over the long term. 

    

In his concise, engaging book Change or Die, Alan Deutschman offers success stories like:

• The Dean Ornish program, where a three year follow-up showed that 77% of the patients had stuck with their lifestyle changes. 
• The Delancey Street Foundation, where 60% of their residents (including ex-felons, prostitutes, and substance abusers) transitioned into productive law-abiding citizens.
• And a union/management partnership between Toyota and NUMMI that revived a failed plant, producing better cars with fewer workers (and grievances).

What do these examples have in common?  Leaders who provided opportunities to

• Relate:  forming a relationship with a credible person or group who believes, and inspires hope that, the change will happen.
• Repeat:  guidance and support while you practice new skills and habits that create the change. 
• Reframe: highlighting experiences that help you find new ways to think about your situation. 

These "3 R" components frame effective change processes on both the personal and organizational level. 

Are they playing a strong enough role in your change effort?

Solving the Right Problem

Even the best problem solvers face chronic challenges.  If you're confronting one yet again, ask yourself if you've been finding the right answer to the wrong question.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research found that Nobel laureates achieved breakthroughs by finding better ways to frame their problems.  The ability to reframe challenges is critical for all kinds of leaders.

Here's a reframing process you can use on your own, with others, or have several groups complete simultaneously:

1. Write your challenge in the form of a question:

    How to stop tactical work from crowding out time for more strategic 
    work?

2. Ask "Why?"    
   
    Why do you want time for more more strategic work?
   
    and turn the response into a question.
   
    So the answer "I need to develop a strategic plan in 90 days"
    becomes, How to develop a strategic plan in 90 days?

3. Repeat step 2, using the most recent question:

    Why do you want to develop a strategic plan in 90 days?

    "To have a stronger impact on the business planning process."

    Which becomes, How to have a stronger impact on the business 
    planning process?

4. Working from each successive response, repeat this process until
    you've asked "Why?" and turned the last response into a question
    five times.

5. Now return to the original challenge statement (Step 1)
    How to stop tactical tasks from crowding out time for more strategic 
    work?

    And ask "What's stopping you?"

    What's stopping you from stopping tactical tasks from crowding 
    out time for more strategic work?

    And turn the response into a question.  So the answer, "The skill set
    on my team isn't what it should be," becomes

    How to make the skill set on my team what it should be?

6. Repeat step 5, working from each successive response turned into a
    question, until you've asked "What's stopping you?" five times.

    What's stopping you from making the skill set on your team what 
    it should be? ....

As you review the questions you (or the different groups) created, which look like a more interesting or promising starting point?

Sleeping Your Way To the Top

Many top performers have quietly discovered the same secret weapon: 

consistently getting eight hours of sleep.

Time and time again; we've learned that our brains go to work as our bodies rest - thinking differently than they do when we're awake:

• Broadening the tunnel vision that develops after concentrating on something for a long time.
• Making new connections among previously unrelated ideas and memories.
• Practicing and ingraining recently learned concepts and skills.
• Strengthening our ability to sustain our attention span and engagement when we're awake.

Although aggressive company cultures laud 24/7 availability and Type-A personalities boast about getting by on just a few hours of sleep, research has demonstrated that the less sleep you get the worse you perform. 

The National Sleep Foundation reports that Americans are averaging only 6.9 hours of sleep a weeknight - and think that they're getting by just fine.  But, in fact, they're not

 Thinking as clearly,
 Learning as quickly,
 Coming up with as many new ideas,
 Or performing as productively as they think they are.

They've simply lost their edge.

Unlike resilient achievers like Arianna Huffington, who have learned how to "Shut your eyes and discover the great ideas inside us."

Time After Time

Bad habits can creep up on us, diminishing our success a small step at a time.

Like death by a thousand paper cuts.

Luckily, this dynamic also works in reverse.

One small step at a time, time after time, you can replace an ineffective habit with a better one.

Aristotle said it memorably:

"We are what we repeatedly do.

Excellence, then, is not an act,
but a habit."

To create that better habit:

Pick the change to focus on now.
Define a simple change. What would create a good ripple effect - or be the most fun to achieve?

Identify the before, the after and the why.
Write down the behavior you want to stop, the behavior you want to put in its place, and what will occur when you do. Create a clear picture of each.

Define the win.
What will you count to know when, or how well, you've ingrained the replacement behavior? How and when will you reward your success?

Put your supports in place.
These can include: physical reminders, a tool for tracking progress, someone who'll hold you accountable, something to say to yourself each time you succeed.

Take one step.
Chart your progress. Recognize what helped, what didn't, why it's worth continuing. Take one more step. Repeat.

Fresh Ideas

We've been dealing with sobering realities. Time and budgets are tight, but there's more to do than ever. We're working harder and smarter, knowing that change presents opportunities.

Tough times call for creative minds, so I conducted an experiment.

The setting: I invited a cross section of business leaders, creative professionals and entrepreneurs to participate in a prototyping process.

The focus: creating a resource for keeping our thinking fresh and flexible, in the moment and over time. A way to add some creative zest to our work.

The response: smart, talented colleagues and clients from fields including innovation, organizational development, sales and marketing, communications, executive administration and entrepreneurship worked with me to shape the focus, content and presentation of a new resource.

The outcome: Fresh Ideas. Fresh Ideas is a creative catalyst that is

Sustained: Every two weeks, for either six or twelve months, you receive an e-mailed issue describing a specific creative thinking strategy, examples of how it's been used, and ways to apply it yourself.

Informative: The strategies and examples within Fresh Ideas are drawn from past and current literature on creativity, leadership and innovation. The topics are purposefully eclectic, providing a diverse range of starting points.

Actionable: Each issue runs about 500 words, making it easy to absorb and apply quickly. Receiving content in small bites helps you build a habit of thinking more creatively; week after week, application after application, insight after insight.

Engaging: You can learn from others' experiences, and reinforce your own success, by joining the conversation at the Fresh Ideas: What Works blog.

Come take a look. You can preview and work with a few free issues of Fresh Ideas by clicking here.

Heavyweight Challenges

Those who have been there will tell you;

leadership is hard,

innovations fail more often than they succeed,

and parenting is not for the faint hearted.

Heavyweight challenges require sustained, adaptive and often courageous effort.

What's the most difficult, enduring challenge you continue to pursue?

What values do your non-negotiable aspirations reflect?

Keep going and keep learning.

The greater the challenge

the deeper the insights,

the sweeter the victories,

the more confident your approach to accomplishing even more.

Experimenting with Success

Ralph Waldo Emerson observed that, "All life is an experiment; the more experiments you make the better."

Emerson also said, "Make the most of yourself, for that is all there is of you."

The link between these two thoughts: when you have something important to accomplish, but are not quite sure how to achieve it, try a few experiments.

Create a hypothesis, or even just an interesting idea, and test it - with the goal of learning something new and useful. Identify what you learned and let that shape your next experiment.

This strategy can reduce your level of risk and break big challenges into a series of more manageable queries.

Failing Well

Big ambitions and big achievements require a resilience honed by setbacks, new learning, and a commitment to your version of success. In his commencement address at San Francisco State University, Mayor Gavin Newsom highlighted setbacks navigated by some notable achievers:

• Michael Jordan was cut from his high school basketball team ... because he wasn't good enough.


• Elvis Presley got an F in Music.


• Winston Churchill finished last in his class ... and later remarked that the secret to success was "going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."

Another notable Churchill observation: "Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts." What historical heavyweight do you think persevered through the following?

• 1831: failed in business.


• 1832: lost his bid for a legislative seat.


• 1834: failed again in business.


• 1835: sweetheart died.


• 1836: had a nervous breakdown.


• 1838: lost his second political race.


• 1843: defeated for Congress.


• 1846: defeated for Congress.


• 1848: defeated for Congress.


• 1855: defeated for US Senate.


• 1856: defeated for Vice President.


• 1858: defeated for US Senate.


• In 1860 he was elected 16th President of the United States.

What types of challenges are worth pursuing even though you may fail?

What was the best mistake you ever made?

COMPIO means "I accomplish." When you're ready to accomplish more, we're here to help.