Clearing A Deadlock

We've all been there.  

You're debating a difficult issue and each person starts to dig in.  Positions become more extreme.  Emotions start to surface, tempers may flare.  It occurs to you, maybe not for the first time, that the other person is an idiot.

And you realize that you're each now more focused on winning than finding the solution.

You're deadlocked, but you really need a solution.  What can you do?

    

Here's an approach that has worked well for other leaders, it may also work for you.

Shift your focus from winning to being very clear.  

Be as succinct, specific and relatable as you can; speaking for the other person's benefit rather than your own.

This does two things for you.  

It requires you to crystalize your thinking, and it helps you communicate in a way that can be heard when emotions are running high.

Then, focus on helping the other person communicate very clearly.

Restate what you're hearing them say, ask if you got it right.  Don't give your response until you do.  

This does two things for them.  

It helps them crystallize their thinking and it helps them start listening to you again.

Why?  Because we become more open to hearing others once we know we've been heard.

As the points you make become clearer, and as you both begin actively listening to them, you do more than open yourself up to new insights.  You also build the trust and rapport needed to begin to move forward again.

Getting Into A Better Frame of Mind

Think of a time when you handled a challenging situation exceptionally well... what kind of mood were you in as you did so?

Now think of a time when you responded poorly to a challenging situation  ... what kind of mood where you in then?

When I ask these questions, words like “confident,” “interested” and “engaged” are often used to describe the mood during the first situation.

And negative or extreme words like “anxious,” “angry,” or “excited” describe the mood during the second situation.

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We know our moods impact our thinking, but what can we do about it?

Neuroscience, and the experts at the NeuroLeadership Group, tells us that we tend to do our best thinking when we’re in a slightly positive state.  

When the limbic system (where emotions rule) gets too fired up, we’re more likely to respond negatively, depend on automatic thinking and see connections where there are none.

Negative and extremely positive emotions trigger a limbic response that overrides our pre frontal cortex  - the “executive function” of our brains where decision making, new insights and problem solving occur.

This is a simple explanation of a complex function, but it’s enough to help us recognize the importance of shifting our thinking when we start to get too “fired up.”

There are some familiar techniques that help, like

• Reordering the situation:  “In the scheme of life, where does this fit?”
• Or repositioning it:  “How would (insert name of admirable person) handle this?”

I’ve also seen a less familiar technique, taught by the NeuroLeadership Group, work exceptionally well.  Ask:

• What one word would you use to describe how you feel about this situation?
• How would you rather feel?
• What’s another way to look at the situation that would bring you closer to feeling that way?

Using these questions in an internal dialogue can literally put you in a better frame of mind.

The Little Secret Good Coaches Know

Good executive coaches know a little secret about the goals you focus on during your work together:  it's not about the goals.  Accomplishing the goals you set is important, but the goals are achieved in service of a more valuable and enduring outcome.  It's really about what you learn about yourself as a leader, and the new habits you build, as you pursue the goals.

Strategists in the workplace see this dynamic playing out often:

• It's not just about the promotion; it's about the leadership skills, relationships, and experience you develop to become promotable.
• It's not just about your team's performance targets; it's about how they have to learn to collaborate, communicate and be accountable to each other to achieve them.
• It's not even about increasing your sales;  it's about learning to hear your market's voice, recognize emerging needs and build the kind of reputation that produces strong sales.

So the next time you're confronted with an over-stuffed calendar, deciding what to tackle first, look for the bigger impact. Assess each item, asking 

• "What will accomplishing this help me learn, or do better?" or
• "How could I approach this in a way that helps me achieve a bigger goal?"  

And then, after considering your answers, go for the bigger win.

Negotiation: Turning Bad News Into Good

Picture this: "Time for my favorite thing in the world - negotiation!" crows Jack Donaghy.  30 Rock's Liz Lemon cringes.  And then a testosterone-infused skirmish produces an absurd outcome - as two combatants' need to win once again hijacks their common sense.

MJ Tocci, co-founder and executive director of the newly launched Heinz Negotiation Academy for Women, points out why this scene is both funny and familiar:  

"So many of us see negotiation as a competitive, conflict driven contest ... and the fear of losing can make negotiation daunting.  That brings bad news and good news.

The bad news is that negotiation is an essential skill for resolving conflict, building your brand, doing good work, managing deadlines, and  getting paid what you are worth.  

The good news is that there are many ways to get there.  I often ask my negotiation students to substitute the phrase 'creative problem solving' for 'negotiation' when they get stuck in their positions.  

Often what was competitive becomes more collaborative as you explore different options. Shouting or posturing is replaced by questioning and listening, assumptions are recognized and updated, and outcomes become more satisfying for all involved.  

Does this work all the time?  No, but it works more than you might think."  

The next time you are ready to ask for something you need or deserve, MJ recommends that you consider creative and strategic prompts like:

1. What's the outcome I want most?
2. Where am I if I don't ask for it ... and where am I if I do?
3. What are several different ways I could get what I want? 
4. What facts would make it clear that there is an advantage to both sides when we agree to pursue the outcome I am seeking?
5. What is the best timing for my request? 
6. Who can help me influence decision makers? 
7. What's my response to "no"?  

Your response to #7 is important - because in the world of negotiations, "no' is merely a position from which to negotiate again. 

Earning Optimism

There's a distinctive form of optimism shaping the mindsets of successful innovators.

  

It's more of a "follow your learning" than "follow your bliss" expectation.  This form of optimism is earned.  It's a by-product of taking on the big goals, managing through ambiguous situations and living by your results.  Knowing that you'll incorporate successes and failures and keep pressing forward fuels a grounded confidence.

Earned optimism is shaped by curiosity.  The kind of curiosity that compels you to keep asking questions, to find and learn from people who are different from you, to tinker and experiment until you get it right, and to commit to success.  Even if you're not 100% sure of what the success will look like ... yet.

In an interview in the Paris Review, Ray Bradbury said:

"I don't believe in optimism. I believe in optimal behavior. That's a different thing.... Test it. Find out. You don't know - you haven't done it yet. You must live life at the top of your voice!  At the top of your lungs shout and listen to the echoes....

Action is hope. At the end of each day, when you've done your work, you lie there and think, Well, I'll be damned, I did this today. It doesn't matter how good it is, or how bad - you did it. At the end of the week you'll have a certain amount of accumulation. At the end of a year, you look back and say, I'll be damned, it's been a good year."

What will strengthen your optimism today?