Choosing An Effective Response to Conflict

Got conflict?  Many good leaders do.  Our response to conflict determines both its impact and our willingness to continue to lead, innovate and raise the bar in new ways.  

Thomas and Kilmann found that we're better able to respond effectively when we're comfortable using several conflict strategies, and match the strategy to the situation.

They identified five conflict strategies that incorporate different levels of assertiveness (focused on meeting your concerns) and cooperativeness (focused on meeting other's concerns).  

Each can be a valuable social skill in certain situations, so let's take a quick look:

Competing is a power-oriented strategy - useful when winning is what's important.   High assertive/low cooperative.  "I'm standing up for my rights."

Collaborating searches for a solution that meets everyone's concerns.  High assertive/high  cooperative.  "Let's find a creative win-win."

Compromising finds a solution that's "good enough."  Moderate assertive/moderate cooperative.  "Let's split the difference."

Avoiding sidesteps or withdraws from the situation.  Low assertive/low cooperative.  "I'm choosing my battles."

Accommodating sets aside your concerns to help someone meet theirs.  High cooperative/low assertive.  "This is more important to you than me."

So which one to use when?  Considerations to guide your choice include:  

Importance of the issue:  Not that important to you?  Consider accommodating, avoiding or compromising.  Very important?  Consider competing or collaborating.

Importance of the relationship: Very important?  Accommodating, collaborating and compromising become more attractive.  

Time:  The less you have, the more attractive compromising, accommodating, and avoiding become.

Trust:  The lower the trust levels (and the higher the stress levels), the more challenging collaboration becomes.

Complexity:  one-dimensional issues lend themselves to competing, accommodating and compromising.  Multidimensional issues lend themselves to collaboration.

  

This kind of conflict literacy creates a practical and powerful advantage.  Happily, Kilmann has a tool and many more insights to share.

The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We know storytelling is a great leadership skill for engaging and influencing others.  However, there is also a growing body of research on how to harness the power of our inner narratives:  

Use a Redemptive Rear View Mirror 

The stories we recount about our past have a powerful impact on our memories and behaviors. Psychologist Jonathan Adler's research highlights three habits that build resiliency and emotional strength as you reminisce:

• Recalling both the positive and negative aspects of past situations.
• Seeing negative events from your past as external events ("That speech didn't go over well," rather than "I'm not a good presenter.")
• Identifying how you have grown stronger and more effective as a result of your experiences.

Regulate with Reframing     

When you get emotionally triggered by a challenging situation, find a plausible but more positive way to view what's happening.  The research on this practice ("reframing") has confirmed significant benefits.  Psychologists Gross and John grouped hundreds of people based on whether they tended to use reframing or suppression (pretending everything's fine) to deal with strong emotions.  They compared the two groups on factors including optimism, environmental mastery and positive relationships.  On every factor, those who reframed were significantly better off than those who suppressed. 

Forecast Your Successes

Envision how you will be successful over the next few years. The more you revisit this story of what your future will look, sound, feel, smell and even taste like, the clearer it becomes.  Replaying this movie in your mind helps you recognize and act on choices that support it.

"Mental imagery impacts many cognitive processes in the brain: motor control, attention, perception, planning, and memory," says researcher Angie LeVan. "It's been found that mental practices can enhance motivation, increase confidence and self-efficacy, improve motor performance, prime your brain for success, and increase states of flow."

This awareness of what you're telling yourself, and how balanced but empowering your narratives are, is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the better your story can become.

Stress, Mindfulness and the Executive Brain

Stop for just a moment and take everything in, within and around you, noticing without judging. This is mindfulness.   

The NeuroLeadership Institute refers to mindfulness as "direct experience," focusing on the brain circuitry activated when you're being mindful.  Think of it as being a video recorder or a sensory satellite receiving dish.

So why is mindfulness important to leaders?   

Well, many workplaces create high levels of stress. Stress can trigger our "threat" circuitry ... quickly ramping up our "fight or flight" response ... simultaneously shutting down our prefrontal cortex (PFC), or executive brain. 

The PFC is where higher ordered thinking, like judgement, creativity and complex decision-making, occur.  Best to avoid shutting it down when possible. 

For most of us, our opportunity to "hit the brakes" as we experience a threat is fleeting.  Why?  Because these brakes are located IN the PFC! 

This is where mindfulness comes in.  Research has shown that those with a strong "direct experience" network have stronger braking systems and are better able to manage a "threat" state.  This translates into better access to the executive brain functions located in your PFC.  

"But I don't have time to meditate," you exclaim.  

That's OK. 

You can strengthen your direct experience network just about anywhere, any time: walking to a meeting, on a train, at a traffic light, during lunch, upon waking....  

Simply spend a few minutes noticing everything you're sensing, internally and externally, without judging.   

You can start small (a daily minute or two) and build from there. One study showed a dramatic improvement after practicing mindfulness for 20 minutes a day for only FIVE days. 

So if you want to work at your highest cognitive levels, take advantage of those fleeting moments and turn them into mindfulness moments.

[With thanks to this post's guest author, Paul McGinniss of the NeuroLeadership Group] 

Running with Scissors

My friend MJ occasionally asks, "Are we running with scissors or an Olympic torch?"

It makes me smile and then makes me think.

We're a few weeks into our new year.  Far enough along to relate this distinction to how we're using our time.
 
"Running with scissors" means using your time recklessly:  filling your days with meetings, conversations and work that keep you busy but blunts your impact.

This habit can hurt you.

Time is currency. Use it strategically and you create the kind of impact you want, squander it away and you don't.

Where can you find opportunities to pare away meetings and activities with a questionable or lower return on your time?

"Running with an Olympic torch" means consciously investing your time in activities that uphold the kind of value you want to provide.

You can do more of this by regularly returning to questions like:
Who do I want to matter to most?
What am I doing now that they value most?
What do I need to be doing now so I'll matter in the ways I want to going forward?

The more time you invest in activities that support your answers to these questions, the brighter your path becomes.

Regifting for Leaders

Regifting is an enduring leadership practice that resonates as the holidays approach.  It involves two simple steps:

    

• Recognize when someone does something that inspires you do do your best.
• Find a way to apply that approach with someone else.

The interesting thing about this practice is that it benefits you as much as others.

• Recognizing when someone treats you in a way that brings out your best means that you're paying attention to leadership style - therefore increasing the odds that you continuously develop yours.
• Finding ways to apply that positive approach with someone else increases your track record of, and reputation for, positive leadership practices.

If you like this form of regifting, you can also apply it on an annual basis:

  

• Each December, make a point of recalling high-points from the prior eleven months, and who helped to make them happen.
• Share these recollections with those that come to mind, and thank them.  

This appreciative tradition extends the impact of the high-points, creating a positive ripple effect. 

Speaking of high points, thank you continuing to find ways to be a more innovative and effective leader throughout 2013 -


Here's to all you'll do and be in 2014!