The Stories We Tell Ourselves

We know storytelling is a great leadership skill for engaging and influencing others.  However, there is also a growing body of research on how to harness the power of our inner narratives:  

Use a Redemptive Rear View Mirror 

The stories we recount about our past have a powerful impact on our memories and behaviors. Psychologist Jonathan Adler's research highlights three habits that build resiliency and emotional strength as you reminisce:

• Recalling both the positive and negative aspects of past situations.
• Seeing negative events from your past as external events ("That speech didn't go over well," rather than "I'm not a good presenter.")
• Identifying how you have grown stronger and more effective as a result of your experiences.

Regulate with Reframing     

When you get emotionally triggered by a challenging situation, find a plausible but more positive way to view what's happening.  The research on this practice ("reframing") has confirmed significant benefits.  Psychologists Gross and John grouped hundreds of people based on whether they tended to use reframing or suppression (pretending everything's fine) to deal with strong emotions.  They compared the two groups on factors including optimism, environmental mastery and positive relationships.  On every factor, those who reframed were significantly better off than those who suppressed. 

Forecast Your Successes

Envision how you will be successful over the next few years. The more you revisit this story of what your future will look, sound, feel, smell and even taste like, the clearer it becomes.  Replaying this movie in your mind helps you recognize and act on choices that support it.

"Mental imagery impacts many cognitive processes in the brain: motor control, attention, perception, planning, and memory," says researcher Angie LeVan. "It's been found that mental practices can enhance motivation, increase confidence and self-efficacy, improve motor performance, prime your brain for success, and increase states of flow."

This awareness of what you're telling yourself, and how balanced but empowering your narratives are, is like a muscle. The more you exercise it, the better your story can become.

Straight Talk from Singular Stars

Working as a coach at a conference on "Mentors, Sponsors and Breaking the Glass Ceiling Through Our Allies," I met a lively group of smart trailblazers.  

  

Reginald Van Lee, EVP at Booz Allen Hamilton, was a memorable one.  Warm and witty in person, he accomplished what many struggle with once they reach the podium:  making his points in a concise, consumable way. 

  

He recommended that ground breaking leaders of all types cultivate their 

"4 Cs":

COURAGE:  to excel, to be different.

  

COMPETENCE:  you need to be exceptionally competent when you're trying to accomplish what few that look, act or think like you do.  Accept this and press on.

  

CONFIDENCE:  to attend excellent schools, vie for new roles, pursue powerful relationships.  Don't wait for permission - show up and lead.

  

COLLABORATION:  you can't do it alone - consciously create alliances.  Talk to someone new often.  Your network expands your value.

  

Paula Madison, CEO of the Los Angeles Sparks, was equally forthright and compelling.  Some of her comments echoed similar themes:

• Be bold.  "Courage and comfort are not in the same room." 
• Be an expert, and claim your accomplishments. "I'm proud to be a different kind of leader, a different kind of woman."
• Advocate for yourself.  No one will care more about your career than you do - you can't expect others to do more for you than you do for yourself. 
• Attend carefully to feedback.  Feedback tells you how you're showing up.

The audience was energized by these kinds of unvarnished, hard-earned perspectives. If you were to give your own "straight talk" on pointers for pioneering leaders, what would you include?

How to Resist Distractions and Temptation

Your phone buzzes as you pull onto the highway.  Are you more likely to think,

"I can't read texts while I'm driving." 

 or 

"I don't read texts while I'm driving."

Several interesting studies coming out of Boston College and the University of Houston revealed the impact of using "I can't" versus "I don't."  

In one study of 30 adults with health and fitness goals:

• 10 participants were not given a strategy.
• 10 were told to use "I can't" statements when they were tempted to slip (for example, "I can't skip work-outs.")
• 10 were told to use "I don't" statements when they were tempted to slip (for example, "I don't skip work-outs.") 

After 10 days

• In the group that wasn't given a strategy, three of the 10 were still working on their goals.
• In the "I can't" group, only one of the 10 was still working on her goal.
• In the "I don't" group, eight of the 10 participants were still working on their goals.

The study participants then received daily emails asking how well they were doing with their goals. 

Heidi Grant Halvorson, Director of the Motivation Science Center at Columbia University explains:  

"I don't" is experienced as a choice, so it feels empowering. It's an affirmation of your determination and willpower. "I can't" isn't a choice. It's a restriction, it's being imposed upon you. So thinking "I can't" undermines your sense of power and personal agency."

Want to resist distractions and temptation?  Working on an important goal?  Whenever you catch yourself veering off course, try reminding yourself that "I don't...."  It's a small strategy that can make a big difference.

Here's to You!

I get a kick out of being around people who are smart in different ways than I am - who have different kinds of interests and ambitions and impacts.  

It's invigorating to be around this capacity and learn from these mindsets and skills.

Which means that I'm very lucky - because as an executive coach I work daily with accomplished learners and leaders who like to work as hard as I do.  

They keep me constantly aware of how much more is possible.
  
Many times my work feels like a celebration:  of what my clients have learned and achieved and given to others - and how much more they will going forward.  

So this Quick Note will be my toast to them and to you:

Here's to the game changers

• the ones who persist in finding a better way
• and engaging others in making it happen.

Here's to the connectors

• who build networks that go up, down, sideways, and diagonally;
• who network to learn new perspectives and make new connections
• and who make sure that they give more than take along the way.

Here's to the long gamers

• who've learned that you can often get what you want - but maybe not quite in the way you thought you would;
• who know that if it's a worthwhile goal you persevere until you make it happen.
• Because living other people's goals doesn't work, but joining forces to meet a common goal does.

Here's to the listeners

• who understand how much more there is to really hear,
• who know how to draw out what others have to offer,
• and who make make time to listen for their own wisdom.

Here's to those that surprise themselves

• with what they realize they've accomplished;
• and then get curious, and then determined
• and ready to find out what they'll learn as they take on their next challenge.

Here's to you!

Clearing A Deadlock

We've all been there.  

You're debating a difficult issue and each person starts to dig in.  Positions become more extreme.  Emotions start to surface, tempers may flare.  It occurs to you, maybe not for the first time, that the other person is an idiot.

And you realize that you're each now more focused on winning than finding the solution.

You're deadlocked, but you really need a solution.  What can you do?

    

Here's an approach that has worked well for other leaders, it may also work for you.

Shift your focus from winning to being very clear.  

Be as succinct, specific and relatable as you can; speaking for the other person's benefit rather than your own.

This does two things for you.  

It requires you to crystalize your thinking, and it helps you communicate in a way that can be heard when emotions are running high.

Then, focus on helping the other person communicate very clearly.

Restate what you're hearing them say, ask if you got it right.  Don't give your response until you do.  

This does two things for them.  

It helps them crystallize their thinking and it helps them start listening to you again.

Why?  Because we become more open to hearing others once we know we've been heard.

As the points you make become clearer, and as you both begin actively listening to them, you do more than open yourself up to new insights.  You also build the trust and rapport needed to begin to move forward again.

Get a Grip on the Griping

Blamestorming can be seductive.  It's so pervasive that DIRECTV did a memorable spot on it.  It's just easier, not to mention self protective, to blame anyone but yourself for problems.  

Used judiciously, critical analysis reduces risks and improves ideas.  Used maliciously (for example, showing how smart you are by tearing down other's ideas) criticism saps energy, initiative and innovation. 

Whether it's a tolerated form of competitive positioning, a result of frustration, or simply a bad habit, the temptation to blame, vent and criticize is understandable.

And toxic.

So how to get a grip on the griping?

Here are three practices executives I've worked with have used productively: 

Refocus critical comments.  Diane Sawyer noticed that, "Criticism is just a really bad way of making a request.  So why not just make the request?"  Or, when someone else brings a criticism or complaint to you, shift the focus by asking what they want instead.

Check your intention.  Marshall Goldsmith recommends asking yourself three kinds of questions before voicing a complaint:  "Who will this comment help?  Is this comment the best way to help them?  Do I really believe what I'm about to say?"

Respect and practice the power of the positive. Shawn Achor researches positive outliers - people who are well above average.  He found that "...only 25 percent of job successes are predicted by I.Q. 75 percent of job successes are predicted by your optimism levels, your social support and your ability to see stress as a challenge instead of as a threat.... If you can raise somebody's level of positivity in the present, then their brain experiences what we now call a happiness advantage, which is your brain at positive performs significantly better than it does at negative, neutral or stressed. Your intelligence rises, your creativity rises, your energy levels rise. In fact, what we've found is that every single business outcome improves."

Thoughtful and Thankful

‘Tis the season for giving.  

Luckily, you have just the heartfelt, significant gift to give now and throughout the year.

It’s a sure fire choice that will be valued today even if was already received before.

This time of year is the perfect time to give your thanks - expressing your appreciation specifically and sincerely.

Think about some of the high points of this past year ... who helped make them so?  

Who do you count on for the things that matter most?  

It’s time to say thank you. 

As each of us gets busier, it’s understandable that to-dos can crowd out thank-yous.

But hearing what others appreciate about us energizes and expands, making us feel valued, sometimes even delighted.

And isn’t that the idea behind a gift?

Solving the Right Problem

Even the best problem solvers face chronic challenges.  If you're confronting one yet again, ask yourself if you've been finding the right answer to the wrong question.

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's research found that Nobel laureates achieved breakthroughs by finding better ways to frame their problems.  The ability to reframe challenges is critical for all kinds of leaders.

Here's a reframing process you can use on your own, with others, or have several groups complete simultaneously:

1. Write your challenge in the form of a question:

    How to stop tactical work from crowding out time for more strategic 
    work?

2. Ask "Why?"    
   
    Why do you want time for more more strategic work?
   
    and turn the response into a question.
   
    So the answer "I need to develop a strategic plan in 90 days"
    becomes, How to develop a strategic plan in 90 days?

3. Repeat step 2, using the most recent question:

    Why do you want to develop a strategic plan in 90 days?

    "To have a stronger impact on the business planning process."

    Which becomes, How to have a stronger impact on the business 
    planning process?

4. Working from each successive response, repeat this process until
    you've asked "Why?" and turned the last response into a question
    five times.

5. Now return to the original challenge statement (Step 1)
    How to stop tactical tasks from crowding out time for more strategic 
    work?

    And ask "What's stopping you?"

    What's stopping you from stopping tactical tasks from crowding 
    out time for more strategic work?

    And turn the response into a question.  So the answer, "The skill set
    on my team isn't what it should be," becomes

    How to make the skill set on my team what it should be?

6. Repeat step 5, working from each successive response turned into a
    question, until you've asked "What's stopping you?" five times.

    What's stopping you from making the skill set on your team what 
    it should be? ....

As you review the questions you (or the different groups) created, which look like a more interesting or promising starting point?

Take Your 'Swing Thought'

You'll communicate with more impact when you are crystal clear about

-  What you're trying to accomplish, and

-  How you need to show up to accomplish it.

Author Scott Eblin compares creating this clarity to the "swing thought" professional golfers practice before taking a shot, mentally rehearsing their process and outcome.

When communicating, 'what you're trying to accomplish' includes more than just your point of view, and the points you'll make to support it.

It also encompasses how you will convey your points:  the energy, emotion and body language you'll bring to bear.

'How you need to show up to accomplish it' includes envisioning what you want others to be thinking and feeling, during and afterwards.

And what they need to know or experience beforehand for this to occur.

For example, watch how Sir Ken Robinson and Raghava KK prepare for and deliver their successful TEDTalks. 

See if you can spot these considerations, and pick up a few additional pointers, during this 11 minute insider's glimpse: "Behind the TEDTalk 2010."

Communication is a life-force running through leadership and innovation.  Take your swing thought, and then enjoy the exchange.

Speaking Like a Leader

In the English language, we expect the subject at the front of the sentence ... how often do you begin sentences with "I"?

Leadership is not about the leader. It's about challenges, opportunities and empowerment. It's about the people to whom you're speaking.

As communications expert Phyllis Mendell points out:

- The Gettysburg Address contains no "I" statements.

- Tony Blair's brilliant 3,500 word "A Fight for Liberty" speech used the word "I" only 1/2 of 1% of the time.

- Even Martin Luther King Jr's "I Have a Dream" speech used the word "I" to give a voice to the stories and aspirations of his audience. He wasn't just speaking about himself.

A stronger way to talk and write replaces "I" with the shared topic of interest, followed quickly by an action that relates to it.

This shifts the focus to what's most important, often increasing brevity and clarity.

Notice how the focus shifts when Ralph Nadar's statement:

"I start with the premise that the function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers."

is simply edited to,

"The function of leadership is to produce more leaders, not more followers."

Crucially Clear

Nitin Nohria, Harvard Business School's 10th and current dean, maintains that

"Communication is the real work of leadership."

The more difficult or important the conversation, the clearer this becomes.

The next time you're in an important conversation,

or one that's going poorly,

ask yourself three questions:

- What do I really want for myself?

- What do I really want for ______ (others in the conversation)?

- What do I really want for this relationship?

You have the most influence over one person in the conversation (yes, yourself), so the biggest opportunity then comes when then you ask,

"How would I behave if I really wanted these things?"

This strategy, and much more, is found in the excellent book Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When the Stakes Are High.

"Build a Tower, Build a Team"

In 70 workshops across the world, Tom Wujec gave small teams 18 minutes to build the tallest freestanding structure they could ... using 20 sticks of spaghetti, a yard of tape, a yard of string, and a marshmallow.


This seemingly trivial challenge produced quick, relatable insights into drivers of productive collaborations.

For example, it showed the value of prototyping:

• Teams that oriented themselves to the challenge and roles, planned and built their right answer were ineffective.

• Teams that created quick, successive prototypes, applying what they learned from each iteration were the most effective.

Tom's data also showed the importance of

• including process-oriented team members (CEO teams with executive admins were more effective than CEO-only teams),

• and combining a high stakes prize with "how-to" knowledge. (Just offering the high stakes prize decreased performance, offering the prize and insights into the importance of prototyping increased performance.)

Prototyping is a more readily accepted approach in some work environments than others. You can keep it simple and scrappy, collecting responses to rough drafts of your ideas and using what you learn to improve each new draft.

It's a potent form of active learning that builds innovation mindsets and skill sets by

• encouraging curiosity,

• uncovering hidden assumptions,

• and helping teams think, feel and work in new ways.

Could it be a more effective approach to something you're working on today?

The Stories We Tell

Christy Uffelman is Vice President of Employee and Organization Development at Mascaro Construction, a regional general contractor based in Pittsburgh. She has an interesting story to tell.

If it was a cautionary tale about the struggles associated with

• being a female leader in a male-dominated industry

• bringing expertise whose value was not yet understood

• at a time when many construction companies faced restructuring and layoffs,

it would be understandable.

But during our conversation she told a more compelling story about building networks and leveraging strengths as she

• brought a fresh point of view and capabilities to the executive team,

• built credibility with an award-winning program that helps employees communicate and work well together,

• and partnered with founder Jack Mascaro to create an emerging leaders program that is transferring knowledge and experience from one generation of leaders to the next.

Her story is peppered with descriptions of the capabilities and character of those she works with, as well as her own learning. When Christy says, "I am not a character in the story of my life, I am the author," she positions herself to write a story of success.

Harvard's Howard Gardner says, "Stories are the single most powerful weapon in a leader's arsenal."

In the stories you tell yourself and others about your work,

What kinds of themes do you tend to emphasize?

What role do you typically play?

Whose capabilities are highlighted?

And, is there a bigger story you want to create and tell?

One Minute Wisdom from 'Rethink'

Good insights can be found in interesting places...

The Rethink Scholarship is awarded to art directors and designers on the basis of a sketchbook containing the applicant's most interesting ideas.

You can use their one minute video as a prompt for fresh thinking.

There's wisdom in the points they make, like:

- Don't fall in love with your first idea.

- Show people your work, see if they get it (repeat, repeat, repeat ....)

and the way they make them, including:

- Layered messages.

- Use of anticipation.

- Novelty combined with simplicity.

Their selection criteria (see How We Pick the Winner) provide self-checks to use as you prepare to present new ideas, highlighting the importance of:

Clarity: of your ideas, and how they are conveyed.

Relevance: speaking to what's most important to your audience.

Freshness: what's new and exciting?

Salience: no need to show every step or possibility, quality trumps quantity.

Craft and execution: how you present communicates as much as what you present.

Overlooked Excellence

If you're a sophisticated and seasoned professional

using world class tools,
with access to a large, diverse audience,
and ample time to demonstrate your capabilities ...

will your talents be appreciated?

Consider Joshua Bell's experience.

One of the world's greatest musicians, he's played before crowned heads of state and commands rates running around $1,000 a minute.

On one of the most valuable violins ever made,

he performed several difficult, elegant pieces
at a busy metro stop as 1,097 people walk by -
for 43 minutes.

The audience response was recorded by a hidden camera. Was there a problem with crowd control? Not exactly.

Six minutes passed before anyone stopped to listen.
Only seven people stopped and paid attention for a minute or more.
Twenty-seven gave donations, totaling almost $33.

98% of the people bypassed world class talent directly in their path.

This experiment reinforced several leadership lessons:

Strengths that are not marketed well will go unnoticed.

Capability isn't enough. You need to ensure that your strengths are recognized. One passerby had seen him in concert - she stopped to listen, thanked him, and left the largest donation.

Context matters.

If he'd been playing at a concert hall, his audience may have listened more appreciatively. Context determines relevance.

Time constraints limit our ability to recognize unexpected pockets of excellence.

If 1,000+ people were too intent on their destination to acknowledge the virtuoso before them, what else isn't registering? Allow yourself to stop and smell the roses, hear the music and make the most of what's right in front of you.

Anchor and Twist

The next time you have a something new to introduce, try using an "anchor and twist" approach.

Dan Heath discussed this approach in a Fast Company article on introducing innovations.

In a nutshell, you
• anchor your idea to something that is known and accepted
• and then provide the twist that makes it exciting and new.

So,
• TiVo works like a VCR (anchor) with TV shows (twist).
• Spyder is like Speedo (anchor) for skiers (twist).
• Sermo is a FaceBook (anchor) for doctors (twist)
• and Fluevog uses open-source (anchor) marketing (twist).

This strategy builds receptivity by meeting listeners where they are before taking them where you want to go; prompting an immediate positive association; and explaining the idea quickly enough to keep it exciting.